What Does It Take To Be Lonesome?

Nothing at all.

According to Dr. Dog, a band I saw at the 9:30 club last week (they weren't that great, actually, but it wasn't like I was a huge fan of their music anyway).

However, that lyric has hit me this weekend.  Attitude itself is the only thing separating contentment and loneliness.

My boyfriend is out on a road trip with his friends this weekend, so I had the day to myself yesterday.  I decided to plan myself an adventure day!  I ate amazing food, did some shopping, spent way too much money, and wandered all over the city (I calculated - probably about 6 or 7 miles not counting museum walking).  I felt like I belonged in DC, and I was proud of myself for enjoying a day out where food wasn't the main object of the day (even if there were many food things throughout the day).  Then when I got off the bus by my apartment, I ran into some friends and I was embarrassed to be alone.  Why?  I have no idea - they know I'm a bit of a loner and I had the shopping bags to prove the awesomeness of my day.  But from then on I felt embarrassed that I couldn't find someone to spend the day with me, and I felt jaded and alone.  I came home to my roommate who looked like she hadn't left the apartment all day (I was gone for over 8 hours) and that was even more depressing.  It was like looking into a possible future where I was alone but had lost the drive to enjoy the benefits of living in this amazing place.

Right now, I couldn't help but wonder - am I in a relationship to cover up my loneliness?  So I have someone I can always go to if I need to get out of the apartment, or if I just want to watch TV all night but I don't want the image of being alone?  It doesn't help that I'm in a theatre department full of extroverts, so part of what I love about my relationship is that he's also an introvert, and understands the pleasures of a night in or even a night alone in my own space.  That said, I also love that he enjoys adventure time out in the city, discovering new places (something that's always just a little less fun alone).  But what's going to happen next year, when I'm coming home to new roommates who also happen to be my best friends?  I certainly won't ever feel alone, and I can tell it's going to be a year of feeling loved, feeling part of something.  When I'm living with my friends, my boyfriend will simultaneously be abroad.  I'm worried that I love my relationship now because it wards off the loneliness and is a source of comfort through a dark and all-too-long winter season.  I'm worried that if my friends are filling the void of loneliness, I won't need my relationship anymore.

Metabolism and Scheduling

I did a lot of reading tonight on metabolism.  In short, I'm nervous that my restricting on and off for the past two years has wrecked my metabolism a bit.  Because of this, sometimes when I do eat a normal amount I can definitely feel myself gaining the weight.  I've read that upon ceasing restriction it is normal, but that long-term increases and consistency will solve the problem.  However, it's hard right now to find that balance without going overboard, and then when I do then I turn back to restriction.

I guess it'll take longer than a week to recover, huh.

This has also been my first week eating without a schedule.  It's exhilarating and terrifying at the same time.  Pro: I only eat what I'm craving, so there's no change of already eating my "assigned" meal but still craving what I really want to eat.  Con: I've been thinking and planning meals more than I ever used to.  That being said, I've definitely been looking forward to my meals more than ever, not because my body is starving for calories but because I know they'll be tasty and filling.  Additional pro: I've found that I really get hungry for 4 meals a day rather than 3.  I have classes and events in the middle of the day, and sometimes I run in the late morning/early afternoon, so I have a large breakfast, two large snacks in the midday (one with more protein for post-workout), and dinner, plus dessert (sometimes with dinner, sometimes not.  Additional con: I have way too much food in my pantry because I'm trying to accomodate all the things I want to eat (I live with 3 other girls so we're a bit short on space.  Related pro: there's so much more variety in my pantry!  I'm not forced to eat a certain food because I only allowed myself to buy that for this week.  Con: I'm having trouble making myself get really hungry for big meals.  For example, I knew my friends and I were going out to a tasty deli for dinner and I wanted to arrive hungry, but I found myself restless and I definitely overdid it on the gum chewing (6 pieces? or was it 7??)  Last pro (because there should always be more pros than cons): I actually have been been buying way more produce than ever and I'm finding that I'm snacking on fruits and nuts all the time.  Turns out natural foods make me feel so good!  I can almost feel the produce glowing in my tummy.  Who knew eating nature could feel so good.

Hopefully the continued freedom will continue to inspire my healthy meals, and even help me eat more.  I've found that lately with this new pattern, I get truly hungry after 3 or 4 hours.  Even if I have a big meal (like my deli sandwich tonight), a snack 4 hours later (grapes and some dark chocolate) actually made me feel hungry again by bedtime (now).  It's scary, being on my own and not planning as much.  I feel so in danger of overdoing it every day.  But after I'm just the right amount full, I have this amazing feeling of energy.  Here's to the many meals to come.

Musings

I hate writing.  That's why it's been since August.  But I have a lot of thoughts and if I don't tell someone then I take them out on someone.  So I'm back.  And I won't apologize to myself for leaving and not coming back, because I'm coming back.

So the 100 days of Happy thing (in which I am not participating)?  Here's my issue with it.  It's just that - things.  A friend of mine posted her happy thing a few days ago: Girl Scout cookies.  I mean, I can just buy a box of girl scout cookies if it's that easy to be happy.  While I do believe that sometimes I purchase items that bring happiness into my life (a new cookbook, a comforter that might as well be a cloud, etc.), I think that for a gratitude exercise it might be a bit inappropriate to cite mostly objects as things of happy. Maybe it's fine for a certain percentage, but overall I think it defeats the purpose.

I saw happiness today at my 11pm church service, when about a half hour in there was a latecomer and while there were many empty seats, another member of the congregation moved over to make room for him.  It happened silently and anonymously and it brought a faint wetness to my eyes.  Finding the good in the world brings me happiness.  Buying the good in the world does not, no matter how much it may make me smile.

Another musing: while I still have far to go on my journey of self-discovery, I need to surround myself with people who already have an acute awareness of who they are.  As I move forward on my own path, I find myself easily frustrated by those who are behind.  This is not to say I judge them for it: I applaud anyone who even has the strength and the courage to begin the journey of knowing themselves.  However, the more prominent they become in my life, the more I become the advice-giver and the more I find myself unable to move forward in my own way.  And then I feel stunted myself from my own frustration - how can I be so shallow as to ignore the journeys of others only to further my own?  But I've always been one to voluntarily be the runt of the litter, to have adult mentors and friends, to be the youngest student in my social circle.  Being inspired helps me grow so much, and it is one of the few feelings that helps me truly glow.  But it's not that I don't appreciate the journeys of others - it's that I'm not mature enough yet myself to understand how helping them can be part of my journey too.

Panic! at the Bed Bath & Beyond

Choices overwhelm me.  Today, the objective was to go to Bed Bath & Beyond and look for Tupperware.  I needed some boxes to serve as lunch boxes for when I spend the day away from my apartment, and some to serve as storage for when I cook ahead for multiple days at once.  The lunch box Tupperware needed to be long and thin so as to fit into my backpack without an awkward bulge, and at least one of them needed to include a container for salad dressing.

This should not have been a stressful venture.

Of course, I walk into the store and the wares are piled high to the ceilings, which tower over me.  Usually I'm on the side with the beauty and health products (which are surprisingly cheap at BB&B), but the kitchen stuff was on the other side so I was already off my game.  All of the Tupperware were in a corner and there were multiple brands with multiple offerings, and there are commercials playing all around me, and a woman bumps me with her shopping cart, and then my mother calls me and pressures me to make a decision about what bed frame to order NOW before I move in (and I'm already disoriented because earlier in the day I had to replace my beloved iPhone which was stuck in headphone mode so it's really just a blank empty box with my imported contacts)...

I didn't have a panic attack.  But I really thought I was going to.  I kept saying hold on, just wait a minute...explain that again...but nobody would wait.  But this time I wasn't going to let it happen - I was going to be in control.

I took a lot of deep breaths.  I walked away from all the Tupperware and picked out a vegetable peeler.  I felt the banana from my lunch smoothie calm me down.  And I moved forward to the task at hand.

Later tonight I returned home with my Tupperware (2 different bistro boxes, and 2 different sizes of regular long, thin Tupperware), made a giant casserole dish of Southern mac&cheese, and watched a Christopher Guest movie with my parents.  As I'm looking ahead through a few days of packing, I need to remember to simplify, and not to let the little decisions get the best of me.  Life will go on as scheduled if I leave the wrong sweater at home.  Or if I bought too much Greek yogurt for the amount of breakfasts I'll be eating in this house.  Or if I bring too many hangers with me.

Stay with me as I let go.

Stress Relief

When I was in high school, my main stress impulse was to watch TV.  I didn't have much TV when I was a kid, so for me it was a form of escapism.  I would use TV to procrastinate all of my work, but that only made me more stressed.

Stress eating has come and gone a few times in my life.  The first time was when Ex #3 decided to go to college (heinous, I know) and I ate a whole pint of B&J's by myself.  I remember my best friend taking it away from me before I could see how many calories I consumed.  Then in college, exercising became my way of stress relief.  It started off very healthy - after all, the gym was one of the few places I didn't have to talk to anybody (rare as a theatre major), but I wasn't eating enough to keep up with all the calories I was burning.  Then eating became a way of stress relief just because it made my body feel better.  I needed the calories badly.  Unfortunately, once my weight stabilized, eating remained a way of stress relief.  And then it magically morphed into a source of stress itself.  Now I've got my eating in check and exercise is my go-to method again.  Sometimes I'll do an entire workout before I answer a text, just to cool myself off.  Helps me feel in control again - I think because no matter what, if I just worked out, I still have my health.  A sound mind in a sound body.

Lately, now that my affinity for good food has grown, cooking can be very calming for me.  It's simple enough that I'm not using too much brain power, but complicated enough that it draws my focus away from the outside world.  Same thing with reading - it's a mostly passive activity, but engages my brain enough so that I stop worrying about my own issues.  Or sometimes I'll put on my big expensive headphones and listen to my favorite music.  Or sometimes I'll drive around with the windows down and my favorite music on in the car.

When I read through all of these things, the activities that make me feel calm, that's when I start to believe that I'm an introvert.  I refer to this handy chart on Thought Catalog which explains that introvert and shy are different (and also that extrovert and obnoxious are different).  I am by no means shy, but I do find social interaction extremely draining sometimes, so all of my stress relief activities are loner things.  That being said, I tend to open up very much to a small group of best friends, with whom I'll share lots of my life with.  I prefer it that way.  A shy person would feel left out from the big crowds, but I genuinely enjoy my me time.

I can't have we time without me time.

Circles and Cycles

"Another babka?"  - Jerry Seinfeld

Today I had a check-up at the pediatrician's office.  (I'm 19.  I will continue to see my pediatrician until the last possible moment.)  On the drive into town I pass a graveyard, and today they were preparing for a funeral at a brisk 9:30 AM.  Then I walk into a pediatrician's office where mothers are celebrating and preserving their new life.  The world exists in cycles.

A yearly check-up marks a cycle.  A cycle of asking if my body has survived another year without anything going wrong (I'm amazed that every day SO MANY THINGS can go wrong and yet we survive).  My weight has finally stabilized (117: 3 pounds less than my high school stable weight, 8 pounds more than my college freshman unstable weight), new shots to prepare for the coming year and potential travels (I hate needles), and the usual milieu of questions.  I left feeling grateful that I still have my health, and I vow to spend the upcoming year putting my health first.  I learned the hard way that putting my health last really does nobody any good.

Today marks the first day of the second-to-last full week before I move back.  Another school year, another cycle.  Speaking of cycling, a few months ago my father pulled a perfectly good women's bike out of the trash.  I tried it out for the first time today - boy were my cycling chops out of shape!  But when school starts, I hope to spend my days off cycling to farmer's markets for food, as per the advice of French Women Don't Get Fat.  Hopefully I can build up some stamina in the next few weeks!  I can only hope the routes I take won't have nearly as many hills as the neighborhoods around here.

Lastly, yesterday my mother had coffee with her best friend, who offered her a piece of chocolate babka.  It was delicious, and also apparently from Whole Foods!  I knew their bakery section was improving, but this babka was unbelievable.  Being Jewish (my mother's friend is also Jewish), we have an affinity for babka.  Either way, I must say I'm impressed.

Just look at those layers!

I ended the night on a healthy note, with a kale salad with seasoned tofu, collard greens coleslaw (from Whole Foods), Cajun spiced sweet potato (also from Whole Foods), half an avocado, and some sweet chili. 

 

For dessert there was a frozen graham cracker sandwich of blended banana and peanut butter (made my our lovely houseguest). Did you know that a scientist named Graham originally invented graham crackers as a purposefully bland food to curb women's libido? Read it in Drop Dead Healthy today and it blew my mind. 

Happy Monday!

P.S.  I'm publishing this a full 8 hours after the bike ride and my butt HURTS!  Going into town to get a new seat tomorrow, hope I'm not sidelined for too long (I only did a half hour today!) >_<

Forgiveness and Renewal

"I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night."

- The Kite Runner

This morning was a bit of a solemn one - our houseguest of 2 months packed up and drove back home.  She is a costume designer working in town for an opera company, but is working on getting her MA during the school year.  At first my parents and I were a little hesitant to open our house, but she was very lovely and it turns out we're going to miss her very much.  I wish I had gotten to know her better at the beginning - I'm really a very talkative person, but by contrast, I'm very slow to make new friends.

The empty breakfast table

Unfortunately, we didn't get off to quite the start I had anticipated.  I was in the midst of a 3-day allergic reaction to a raw white peach (what?  I know) and I was also struggling with an issue of forgiveness with one of my best friends.  To give a vague overview, we had an argument that may have destroyed, or at least changed, our friendship forever, and I was having difficulty dealing with that.  When I get wrapped up in my own head and my own problems, I become even more withdrawn around new friends.  It can be very self-destructive, something I'm working on changing every day.

Thankfully, I'm slowly but surely improving, and I was proud to say that it was only a week or two before I was at least reading, working, and spending time with friends again (Pinterest-ing with old action movies in the background really isn't that stimulating), including our houseguest.  While I wish I had spent more time with her, I'm glad we got to know each other better over the last few weeks and I was sad to see her go.

And so begins another period of renewal.  I was able to renew myself this summer in emotional spirit, and now for my last few weeks in my hometown, I must be able to renew our old family routines again, and be happy that our houseguest is with her family too.

And so the day begins with 10 hours of sleep, and a whole wheat everything bagel slathered with crunchy almond butter, and a cup of coffee.

From Bodos - best bagels in Virginia

Next up a great workout - my daily abs-and-yoga routine.  I'm amazed at how events in my life affect my workouts, and today was definitely a great day for detoxing and cleansing.

Post-workout snack: yogurt bowl with Fage 0% Blueberry Açai, Bear Naked Granola (Vanilla Almond Crunch), flax meal, and chia seeds.

Note: the color of the blueberry filling when mixed was very potent

Later in the afternoon, my mother had put in a request for a strawberry-mango smoothie!  A mango, strawberries, some OJ, and a drizzle of local honey.

I don't use exact measurements - just wingin' it!

The rest went in a Mason jar!

And pizza night - tonight the movie was Hugo!  It was a farewell present from our houseguest.  I loved it - gorgeous design, wonderful character acting (Sacha Baron Cohen, Christopher Lee), and a beautiful score (Howard Shore of LOTR fame).  It's not often these days that you get a children's movie that is calm and magical.  Definitely putting it on the favorites list.

TJ's Four-Cheese Pizza

And now I've dimmed the lights, watching my dog sleep next to me.  Happy Sunday, and here's to a productive and joyful last few weeks in the country.