Choices overwhelm me. Today, the objective was to go to Bed Bath & Beyond and look for Tupperware. I needed some boxes to serve as lunch boxes for when I spend the day away from my apartment, and some to serve as storage for when I cook ahead for multiple days at once. The lunch box Tupperware needed to be long and thin so as to fit into my backpack without an awkward bulge, and at least one of them needed to include a container for salad dressing.
This should not have been a stressful venture.
Of course, I walk into the store and the wares are piled high to the ceilings, which tower over me. Usually I'm on the side with the beauty and health products (which are surprisingly cheap at BB&B), but the kitchen stuff was on the other side so I was already off my game. All of the Tupperware were in a corner and there were multiple brands with multiple offerings, and there are commercials playing all around me, and a woman bumps me with her shopping cart, and then my mother calls me and pressures me to make a decision about what bed frame to order NOW before I move in (and I'm already disoriented because earlier in the day I had to replace my beloved iPhone which was stuck in headphone mode so it's really just a blank empty box with my imported contacts)...
I didn't have a panic attack. But I really thought I was going to. I kept saying hold on, just wait a minute...explain that again...but nobody would wait. But this time I wasn't going to let it happen - I was going to be in control.
I took a lot of deep breaths. I walked away from all the Tupperware and picked out a vegetable peeler. I felt the banana from my lunch smoothie calm me down. And I moved forward to the task at hand.
Later tonight I returned home with my Tupperware (2 different bistro boxes, and 2 different sizes of regular long, thin Tupperware), made a giant casserole dish of Southern mac&cheese, and watched a Christopher Guest movie with my parents. As I'm looking ahead through a few days of packing, I need to remember to simplify, and not to let the little decisions get the best of me. Life will go on as scheduled if I leave the wrong sweater at home. Or if I bought too much Greek yogurt for the amount of breakfasts I'll be eating in this house. Or if I bring too many hangers with me.
Stay with me as I let go.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Stress Relief
When I was in high school, my main stress impulse was to watch TV. I didn't have much TV when I was a kid, so for me it was a form of escapism. I would use TV to procrastinate all of my work, but that only made me more stressed.
Stress eating has come and gone a few times in my life. The first time was when Ex #3 decided to go to college (heinous, I know) and I ate a whole pint of B&J's by myself. I remember my best friend taking it away from me before I could see how many calories I consumed. Then in college, exercising became my way of stress relief. It started off very healthy - after all, the gym was one of the few places I didn't have to talk to anybody (rare as a theatre major), but I wasn't eating enough to keep up with all the calories I was burning. Then eating became a way of stress relief just because it made my body feel better. I needed the calories badly. Unfortunately, once my weight stabilized, eating remained a way of stress relief. And then it magically morphed into a source of stress itself. Now I've got my eating in check and exercise is my go-to method again. Sometimes I'll do an entire workout before I answer a text, just to cool myself off. Helps me feel in control again - I think because no matter what, if I just worked out, I still have my health. A sound mind in a sound body.
Lately, now that my affinity for good food has grown, cooking can be very calming for me. It's simple enough that I'm not using too much brain power, but complicated enough that it draws my focus away from the outside world. Same thing with reading - it's a mostly passive activity, but engages my brain enough so that I stop worrying about my own issues. Or sometimes I'll put on my big expensive headphones and listen to my favorite music. Or sometimes I'll drive around with the windows down and my favorite music on in the car.
When I read through all of these things, the activities that make me feel calm, that's when I start to believe that I'm an introvert. I refer to this handy chart on Thought Catalog which explains that introvert and shy are different (and also that extrovert and obnoxious are different). I am by no means shy, but I do find social interaction extremely draining sometimes, so all of my stress relief activities are loner things. That being said, I tend to open up very much to a small group of best friends, with whom I'll share lots of my life with. I prefer it that way. A shy person would feel left out from the big crowds, but I genuinely enjoy my me time.
I can't have we time without me time.
Stress eating has come and gone a few times in my life. The first time was when Ex #3 decided to go to college (heinous, I know) and I ate a whole pint of B&J's by myself. I remember my best friend taking it away from me before I could see how many calories I consumed. Then in college, exercising became my way of stress relief. It started off very healthy - after all, the gym was one of the few places I didn't have to talk to anybody (rare as a theatre major), but I wasn't eating enough to keep up with all the calories I was burning. Then eating became a way of stress relief just because it made my body feel better. I needed the calories badly. Unfortunately, once my weight stabilized, eating remained a way of stress relief. And then it magically morphed into a source of stress itself. Now I've got my eating in check and exercise is my go-to method again. Sometimes I'll do an entire workout before I answer a text, just to cool myself off. Helps me feel in control again - I think because no matter what, if I just worked out, I still have my health. A sound mind in a sound body.
Lately, now that my affinity for good food has grown, cooking can be very calming for me. It's simple enough that I'm not using too much brain power, but complicated enough that it draws my focus away from the outside world. Same thing with reading - it's a mostly passive activity, but engages my brain enough so that I stop worrying about my own issues. Or sometimes I'll put on my big expensive headphones and listen to my favorite music. Or sometimes I'll drive around with the windows down and my favorite music on in the car.
When I read through all of these things, the activities that make me feel calm, that's when I start to believe that I'm an introvert. I refer to this handy chart on Thought Catalog which explains that introvert and shy are different (and also that extrovert and obnoxious are different). I am by no means shy, but I do find social interaction extremely draining sometimes, so all of my stress relief activities are loner things. That being said, I tend to open up very much to a small group of best friends, with whom I'll share lots of my life with. I prefer it that way. A shy person would feel left out from the big crowds, but I genuinely enjoy my me time.
I can't have we time without me time.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Circles and Cycles
"Another babka?" - Jerry Seinfeld
Today I had a check-up at the pediatrician's office. (I'm 19. I will continue to see my pediatrician until the last possible moment.) On the drive into town I pass a graveyard, and today they were preparing for a funeral at a brisk 9:30 AM. Then I walk into a pediatrician's office where mothers are celebrating and preserving their new life. The world exists in cycles.
A yearly check-up marks a cycle. A cycle of asking if my body has survived another year without anything going wrong (I'm amazed that every day SO MANY THINGS can go wrong and yet we survive). My weight has finally stabilized (117: 3 pounds less than my high school stable weight, 8 pounds more than my college freshman unstable weight), new shots to prepare for the coming year and potential travels (I hate needles), and the usual milieu of questions. I left feeling grateful that I still have my health, and I vow to spend the upcoming year putting my health first. I learned the hard way that putting my health last really does nobody any good.
Today marks the first day of the second-to-last full week before I move back. Another school year, another cycle. Speaking of cycling, a few months ago my father pulled a perfectly good women's bike out of the trash. I tried it out for the first time today - boy were my cycling chops out of shape! But when school starts, I hope to spend my days off cycling to farmer's markets for food, as per the advice of French Women Don't Get Fat. Hopefully I can build up some stamina in the next few weeks! I can only hope the routes I take won't have nearly as many hills as the neighborhoods around here.
Lastly, yesterday my mother had coffee with her best friend, who offered her a piece of chocolate babka. It was delicious, and also apparently from Whole Foods! I knew their bakery section was improving, but this babka was unbelievable. Being Jewish (my mother's friend is also Jewish), we have an affinity for babka. Either way, I must say I'm impressed.
I ended the night on a healthy note, with a kale salad with seasoned tofu, collard greens coleslaw (from Whole Foods), Cajun spiced sweet potato (also from Whole Foods), half an avocado, and some sweet chili.
Today I had a check-up at the pediatrician's office. (I'm 19. I will continue to see my pediatrician until the last possible moment.) On the drive into town I pass a graveyard, and today they were preparing for a funeral at a brisk 9:30 AM. Then I walk into a pediatrician's office where mothers are celebrating and preserving their new life. The world exists in cycles.
A yearly check-up marks a cycle. A cycle of asking if my body has survived another year without anything going wrong (I'm amazed that every day SO MANY THINGS can go wrong and yet we survive). My weight has finally stabilized (117: 3 pounds less than my high school stable weight, 8 pounds more than my college freshman unstable weight), new shots to prepare for the coming year and potential travels (I hate needles), and the usual milieu of questions. I left feeling grateful that I still have my health, and I vow to spend the upcoming year putting my health first. I learned the hard way that putting my health last really does nobody any good.
Today marks the first day of the second-to-last full week before I move back. Another school year, another cycle. Speaking of cycling, a few months ago my father pulled a perfectly good women's bike out of the trash. I tried it out for the first time today - boy were my cycling chops out of shape! But when school starts, I hope to spend my days off cycling to farmer's markets for food, as per the advice of French Women Don't Get Fat. Hopefully I can build up some stamina in the next few weeks! I can only hope the routes I take won't have nearly as many hills as the neighborhoods around here.
Lastly, yesterday my mother had coffee with her best friend, who offered her a piece of chocolate babka. It was delicious, and also apparently from Whole Foods! I knew their bakery section was improving, but this babka was unbelievable. Being Jewish (my mother's friend is also Jewish), we have an affinity for babka. Either way, I must say I'm impressed.
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| Just look at those layers! |
I ended the night on a healthy note, with a kale salad with seasoned tofu, collard greens coleslaw (from Whole Foods), Cajun spiced sweet potato (also from Whole Foods), half an avocado, and some sweet chili.
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For dessert there was a frozen graham cracker sandwich of blended banana and peanut butter (made my our lovely houseguest). Did you know that a scientist named Graham originally invented graham crackers as a purposefully bland food to curb women's libido? Read it in Drop Dead Healthy today and it blew my mind.
Happy Monday!
P.S. I'm publishing this a full 8 hours after the bike ride and my butt HURTS! Going into town to get a new seat tomorrow, hope I'm not sidelined for too long (I only did a half hour today!) >_<
P.S. I'm publishing this a full 8 hours after the bike ride and my butt HURTS! Going into town to get a new seat tomorrow, hope I'm not sidelined for too long (I only did a half hour today!) >_<
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Forgiveness and Renewal
"I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night."
- The Kite RunnerThis morning was a bit of a solemn one - our houseguest of 2 months packed up and drove back home. She is a costume designer working in town for an opera company, but is working on getting her MA during the school year. At first my parents and I were a little hesitant to open our house, but she was very lovely and it turns out we're going to miss her very much. I wish I had gotten to know her better at the beginning - I'm really a very talkative person, but by contrast, I'm very slow to make new friends.
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| The empty breakfast table |
Unfortunately, we didn't get off to quite the start I had anticipated. I was in the midst of a 3-day allergic reaction to a raw white peach (what? I know) and I was also struggling with an issue of forgiveness with one of my best friends. To give a vague overview, we had an argument that may have destroyed, or at least changed, our friendship forever, and I was having difficulty dealing with that. When I get wrapped up in my own head and my own problems, I become even more withdrawn around new friends. It can be very self-destructive, something I'm working on changing every day.
Thankfully, I'm slowly but surely improving, and I was proud to say that it was only a week or two before I was at least reading, working, and spending time with friends again (Pinterest-ing with old action movies in the background really isn't that stimulating), including our houseguest. While I wish I had spent more time with her, I'm glad we got to know each other better over the last few weeks and I was sad to see her go.
And so begins another period of renewal. I was able to renew myself this summer in emotional spirit, and now for my last few weeks in my hometown, I must be able to renew our old family routines again, and be happy that our houseguest is with her family too.
And so the day begins with 10 hours of sleep, and a whole wheat everything bagel slathered with crunchy almond butter, and a cup of coffee.
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| From Bodos - best bagels in Virginia |
Post-workout snack: yogurt bowl with Fage 0% Blueberry Açai, Bear Naked Granola (Vanilla Almond Crunch), flax meal, and chia seeds.
Later in the afternoon, my mother had put in a request for a strawberry-mango smoothie! A mango, strawberries, some OJ, and a drizzle of local honey.
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| Note: the color of the blueberry filling when mixed was very potent |
Later in the afternoon, my mother had put in a request for a strawberry-mango smoothie! A mango, strawberries, some OJ, and a drizzle of local honey.
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| I don't use exact measurements - just wingin' it! |
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| The rest went in a Mason jar! |
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| TJ's Four-Cheese Pizza |
Some Time Off: Eats and Reads of the Week
So my good friend Mac was taken to the hospital this week. The trackpad wouldn't click, but I figured I should get it fixed before it's no longer under warranty, no? So I had some time off. And with that time off...
I'm finally getting back into books! I figured I'd get some of my heavier reads under way during the summer, and this week I made some great headway. I read Life of Pi which I absolutely loved - powerful, yet told with a lilting humor. I just finished The Kite Runner hours ago, and I can't believe how fast I blew through it. I'm not usually into historical fiction, but this was too good to pass up.
In between, I read one of my mother's Goodwill finds, French Women Don't Get Fat: The Secret of Eating for Pleasure. While it mainly included a lot of common sense, it touted a great importance on simple meals with fresh ingredients. When the food is high-quality, you won't need as much of it because you won't be psychologically hungry for something else. It was very inspiring - this school year I'm going to have to make it a point to get my butt to the farmer's markets on the weekends!
It also inspired some simple eats for the week. The book, when used as a guide for weight loss (not a goal of mine, I just like eating healthy and reading different opinions on how to make that happen), touts a cleanse involving leek soup. While soup wouldn't be satisfying enough for me, this leek and goat cheese omelette certainly was! I used two eggs, one leek, and a handful of blue cheese since we had some leftover. Simple, fresh, and delicious.
Leftover from this pizza that is! I use a whole wheat version of this pizza dough, and topped it with my father's famous tomato sauce, fresh tomato slices from the garden, a fresh egg of mozzarella cheese, blue cheese, artichokes, parmesan, romano, and fresh oregano and basil from the garden. So delicious!
Also on sale at the grocery was cherries and blueberries, and being in the mood for French food I figured it was time to try my hand at clafoutis! I halved this blueberry recipe but I substituted half of the blueberries for cherries and substituted whole wheat flour for white. I even ground up pecans and used it as a topping, though I felt it almost made it more savory and next time I would use walnuts or almonds for a lighter taste. Anyway, then I topped it with B&J's Vanilla Honey Caramel Greek Frozen Yogurt and dug in!
That's all for this week. I'd have posted more regularly but I just didn't have that much to say. I'll try to keep up and also to be a bit more upbeat hehe.
I'm finally getting back into books! I figured I'd get some of my heavier reads under way during the summer, and this week I made some great headway. I read Life of Pi which I absolutely loved - powerful, yet told with a lilting humor. I just finished The Kite Runner hours ago, and I can't believe how fast I blew through it. I'm not usually into historical fiction, but this was too good to pass up.
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| Quality hammock time right here |
In between, I read one of my mother's Goodwill finds, French Women Don't Get Fat: The Secret of Eating for Pleasure. While it mainly included a lot of common sense, it touted a great importance on simple meals with fresh ingredients. When the food is high-quality, you won't need as much of it because you won't be psychologically hungry for something else. It was very inspiring - this school year I'm going to have to make it a point to get my butt to the farmer's markets on the weekends!
It also inspired some simple eats for the week. The book, when used as a guide for weight loss (not a goal of mine, I just like eating healthy and reading different opinions on how to make that happen), touts a cleanse involving leek soup. While soup wouldn't be satisfying enough for me, this leek and goat cheese omelette certainly was! I used two eggs, one leek, and a handful of blue cheese since we had some leftover. Simple, fresh, and delicious.
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| Leek prep - this photo doesn't do the sunlight justice |
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| Also apparently I can't flip an omelette to save my life |
Leftover from this pizza that is! I use a whole wheat version of this pizza dough, and topped it with my father's famous tomato sauce, fresh tomato slices from the garden, a fresh egg of mozzarella cheese, blue cheese, artichokes, parmesan, romano, and fresh oregano and basil from the garden. So delicious!
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| This was devoured immediately |
Also on sale at the grocery was cherries and blueberries, and being in the mood for French food I figured it was time to try my hand at clafoutis! I halved this blueberry recipe but I substituted half of the blueberries for cherries and substituted whole wheat flour for white. I even ground up pecans and used it as a topping, though I felt it almost made it more savory and next time I would use walnuts or almonds for a lighter taste. Anyway, then I topped it with B&J's Vanilla Honey Caramel Greek Frozen Yogurt and dug in!
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| Look at those fresh berries! |
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| Part cake, part custard, part love |
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Here I Go
<a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/10012143/?claim=bzdmyywr9ez">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>
I use Bloglovin'
I looooove Bloglovin'
Every day at the end of the day I read through all of my blogs, sitting next to one of my sleeping dogs, probably with Seinfeld blaring on my TV. It's very therapeutic.
I suggest it.
I use Bloglovin'
I looooove Bloglovin'
Every day at the end of the day I read through all of my blogs, sitting next to one of my sleeping dogs, probably with Seinfeld blaring on my TV. It's very therapeutic.
I suggest it.
Friday, July 26, 2013
I Want To Believe
I want to believe in "we."
I want to believe in "when."
I've been taught to be wary of a void of explanation, of a sudden departure, of a change of heart. I've even been taught to be wary of an honest conversation. "I've changed my mind. I don't know why."
Dexter Morgan once said "maybe that's what love is - endurance."
Jerry Seinfeld once said "you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation, and that's really the most important part of the reservation - the holding."
I'm starting to think they're right. I can handle the early wishes, the plans, the dreams of vacations, and even the Halloween costumes. But maybe it's not the dreams of romantic vacation that really matter. Maybe it's the smaller moments. Exchanging articles the other would find interesting. A Sunday morning walk for coffee and the paper. Working separately but sharing the same blanket. Perhaps it's the sharing of the mundane that pulls a connection through.
But until I learn that lesson, the holding, the endurance, I can enjoy the quiet and the mundane with my own company. Knowing that I'm stable enough to envision having a next time at all.
I want to believe in "when."
I've been taught to be wary of a void of explanation, of a sudden departure, of a change of heart. I've even been taught to be wary of an honest conversation. "I've changed my mind. I don't know why."
Dexter Morgan once said "maybe that's what love is - endurance."
Jerry Seinfeld once said "you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation, and that's really the most important part of the reservation - the holding."
I'm starting to think they're right. I can handle the early wishes, the plans, the dreams of vacations, and even the Halloween costumes. But maybe it's not the dreams of romantic vacation that really matter. Maybe it's the smaller moments. Exchanging articles the other would find interesting. A Sunday morning walk for coffee and the paper. Working separately but sharing the same blanket. Perhaps it's the sharing of the mundane that pulls a connection through.
But until I learn that lesson, the holding, the endurance, I can enjoy the quiet and the mundane with my own company. Knowing that I'm stable enough to envision having a next time at all.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
"It's Just Who I Am"
I'll forgive and accept a lot more from people if they assure me that they're aware of those faults. For example, I know that I'm a horrifying person when I'm hungry. I get extremely impatient and short with people, and I can whine. That being said, I'm trying to get better about acknowledging this upfront, and I am trying to change. Often if I even acknowledge it internally to myself, I can be more conscious of my actions.
However, there is a limit to accepting your own faults. I believe everyone should be striving to be the best that they can be. Maybe not every day, but overall and over long periods of time. But I'm really struggling with a proper reaction to the universal personality justifier "well that's just me."
This is a touchy claim to make - I really do embrace the natural differences in all people. Just not when a general tendency of one person starts to repeatedly harm or hurt another. I'm absolutely fine with using "that's just me" to justify: hating the outdoors, talking aloud during TV, an extreme dislike of buttermilk frosting, and the like (all true examples, and all examples that really cause no harm to anyone else).
However, using self-acceptance to justify not showing respect to your significant other, keeping important medical information from your loved ones, or continuing unhealthy eating habits that begin to endanger your own physical health is wrong (sadly, all true examples). It's putting a positive spin on causing harm, whether to others or to yourself.
We all need to apologize sometimes. Recognizing our own faults isn't just about acceptance. Apologize for not treating someone the way they wish to be treated, and try to find a compromise. Apologize for not including those closest to you in your life, and realize that reaching out for help can be more healing than any medicine. Apologize for not doing good to your body, and treat it well so it has the support and energy to heal itself.
Let's stop using vague justifiers to bring more negativity in the world. And let's begin to heal.
However, there is a limit to accepting your own faults. I believe everyone should be striving to be the best that they can be. Maybe not every day, but overall and over long periods of time. But I'm really struggling with a proper reaction to the universal personality justifier "well that's just me."
This is a touchy claim to make - I really do embrace the natural differences in all people. Just not when a general tendency of one person starts to repeatedly harm or hurt another. I'm absolutely fine with using "that's just me" to justify: hating the outdoors, talking aloud during TV, an extreme dislike of buttermilk frosting, and the like (all true examples, and all examples that really cause no harm to anyone else).
However, using self-acceptance to justify not showing respect to your significant other, keeping important medical information from your loved ones, or continuing unhealthy eating habits that begin to endanger your own physical health is wrong (sadly, all true examples). It's putting a positive spin on causing harm, whether to others or to yourself.
We all need to apologize sometimes. Recognizing our own faults isn't just about acceptance. Apologize for not treating someone the way they wish to be treated, and try to find a compromise. Apologize for not including those closest to you in your life, and realize that reaching out for help can be more healing than any medicine. Apologize for not doing good to your body, and treat it well so it has the support and energy to heal itself.
Let's stop using vague justifiers to bring more negativity in the world. And let's begin to heal.
The Natural Way
When was the last time I saw a sunrise? It struck me last night, scrolling through the Internet while I watched the TV blare into the late hours, that my typical patterns of life are so unnatural. Artificial light keeps us up long after the sun has melted into the horizon, leaving us in an unnatural trance. I remember the days when I would go on vacation, whether to the beach or to the city, and I would wake up with the sunrise and rest with the sunset. Without my computer to distract me, and without the drive to binge on television ("I didn't come all this way just to watch TV"), I would stay up and read or talk or eat, but sleep would fall early as my body would slowly catch up to all the walking and moving and adventure I had already put it through that day. And with no set alarm to get up, only the sun through the window would wake me.
I want a life, or at least a vacation, where I rise and fall by the sun. I've always been a late sleeper and I've never been a morning person, but every time I witness the quiet of the morning I'm filled with a sense of transcendence and serenity.
Alas, my life and my passions don't allow for a schedule like that. I live a schedule of evening rehearsals, late-night socializing, and midday brunch. It seems a prerequisite to defy the natural rhythm of the day. I know I'd never change my rhythm, because I'd be at least four hours off-kilter with those who share my living space, and it might be more important to my happiness now to share experiences with them since I'm already so reluctant to give up my personal routines for a group dynamic.
But on the days when, by chance, I am awake for the morning quiet, say for a doctor's appointment or from a restless night, I feel peace. And I wonder.
I want a life, or at least a vacation, where I rise and fall by the sun. I've always been a late sleeper and I've never been a morning person, but every time I witness the quiet of the morning I'm filled with a sense of transcendence and serenity.
Alas, my life and my passions don't allow for a schedule like that. I live a schedule of evening rehearsals, late-night socializing, and midday brunch. It seems a prerequisite to defy the natural rhythm of the day. I know I'd never change my rhythm, because I'd be at least four hours off-kilter with those who share my living space, and it might be more important to my happiness now to share experiences with them since I'm already so reluctant to give up my personal routines for a group dynamic.
But on the days when, by chance, I am awake for the morning quiet, say for a doctor's appointment or from a restless night, I feel peace. And I wonder.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
I'm a vegetarian dog-lover who was raised in Southern VA, but I'm going to school in DC. I enjoy thrift shopping, Tim Burton movies, and yoga, but musical theatre is my passion. Join me on my personal journey as I try to eat well, explore the world, and silence the noise. This blog is for me to share my thoughts on food, vent about my musings on my world, and maybe help me talk a little less.
I'm a vegetarian dog-lover who was raised in Southern VA, but I'm going to school in DC. I enjoy thrift shopping, Tim Burton movies, and yoga, but musical theatre is my passion. Join me on my personal journey as I try to eat well, explore the world, and silence the noise. This blog is for me to share my thoughts on food, vent about my musings on my world, and maybe help me talk a little less.
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