Here I Go

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Every day at the end of the day I read through all of my blogs, sitting next to one of my sleeping dogs, probably with Seinfeld blaring on my TV.  It's very therapeutic.

I suggest it.

I Want To Believe

I want to believe in "we."
I want to believe in "when."

I've been taught to be wary of a void of explanation, of a sudden departure, of a change of heart.  I've even been taught to be wary of an honest conversation.  "I've changed my mind.  I don't know why."

Dexter Morgan once said "maybe that's what love is - endurance."

Jerry Seinfeld once said "you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation, and that's really the most important part of the reservation - the holding."

I'm starting to think they're right.  I can handle the early wishes, the plans, the dreams of vacations, and even the Halloween costumes.  But maybe it's not the dreams of romantic vacation that really matter.  Maybe it's the smaller moments.  Exchanging articles the other would find interesting.  A Sunday morning walk for coffee and the paper.  Working separately but sharing the same blanket.  Perhaps it's the sharing of the mundane that pulls a connection through.

But until I learn that lesson, the holding, the endurance, I can enjoy the quiet and the mundane with my own company.  Knowing that I'm stable enough to envision having a next time at all.

"It's Just Who I Am"

I'll forgive and accept a lot more from people if they assure me that they're aware of those faults.  For example, I know that I'm a horrifying person when I'm hungry.  I get extremely impatient and short with people, and I can whine.  That being said, I'm trying to get better about acknowledging this upfront, and I am trying to change.  Often if I even acknowledge it internally to myself, I can be more conscious of my actions.

However, there is a limit to accepting your own faults.  I believe everyone should be striving to be the best that they can be.  Maybe not every day, but overall and over long periods of time.  But I'm really struggling with a proper reaction to the universal personality justifier "well that's just me."

This is a touchy claim to make - I really do embrace the natural differences in all people.  Just not when a general tendency of one person starts to repeatedly harm or hurt another.  I'm absolutely fine with using "that's just me" to justify: hating the outdoors, talking aloud during TV, an extreme dislike of buttermilk frosting, and the like (all true examples, and all examples that really cause no harm to anyone else).

However, using self-acceptance to justify not showing respect to your significant other, keeping important medical information from your loved ones, or continuing unhealthy eating habits that begin to endanger your own physical health is wrong (sadly, all true examples).  It's putting a positive spin on causing harm, whether to others or to yourself.

We all need to apologize sometimes.  Recognizing our own faults isn't just about acceptance.  Apologize for not treating someone the way they wish to be treated, and try to find a compromise.  Apologize for not including those closest to you in your life, and realize that reaching out for help can be more healing than any medicine.  Apologize for not doing good to your body, and treat it well so it has the support and energy to heal itself.

Let's stop using vague justifiers to bring more negativity in the world.  And let's begin to heal.

The Natural Way

When was the last time I saw a sunrise?  It struck me last night, scrolling through the Internet while I watched the TV blare into the late hours, that my typical patterns of life are so unnatural.  Artificial light keeps us up long after the sun has melted into the horizon, leaving us in an unnatural trance.  I remember the days when I would go on vacation, whether to the beach or to the city, and I would wake up with the sunrise and rest with the sunset.  Without my computer to distract me, and without the drive to binge on television ("I didn't come all this way just to watch TV"), I would stay up and read or talk or eat, but sleep would fall early as my body would slowly catch up to all the walking and moving and adventure I had already put it through that day.  And with no set alarm to get up, only the sun through the window would wake me.

I want a life, or at least a vacation, where I rise and fall by the sun.  I've always been a late sleeper and I've never been a morning person, but every time I witness the quiet of the morning I'm filled with a sense of transcendence and serenity.

Alas, my life and my passions don't allow for a schedule like that.  I live a schedule of evening rehearsals, late-night socializing, and midday brunch.  It seems a prerequisite to defy the natural rhythm of the day.  I know I'd never change my rhythm, because I'd be at least four hours off-kilter with those who share my living space, and it might be more important to my happiness now to share experiences with them since I'm already so reluctant to give up my personal routines for a group dynamic.

But on the days when, by chance, I am awake for the morning quiet, say for a doctor's appointment or from a restless night, I feel peace.  And I wonder.

Hi.

Nice to meet you.

I'm a vegetarian dog-lover who was raised in Southern VA, but I'm going to school in DC.  I enjoy thrift shopping, Tim Burton movies, and yoga, but musical theatre is my passion.  Join me on my personal journey as I try to eat well, explore the world, and silence the noise.  This blog is for me to share my thoughts on food, vent about my musings on my world, and maybe help me talk a little less.