What Does It Take To Be Lonesome?

Nothing at all.

According to Dr. Dog, a band I saw at the 9:30 club last week (they weren't that great, actually, but it wasn't like I was a huge fan of their music anyway).

However, that lyric has hit me this weekend.  Attitude itself is the only thing separating contentment and loneliness.

My boyfriend is out on a road trip with his friends this weekend, so I had the day to myself yesterday.  I decided to plan myself an adventure day!  I ate amazing food, did some shopping, spent way too much money, and wandered all over the city (I calculated - probably about 6 or 7 miles not counting museum walking).  I felt like I belonged in DC, and I was proud of myself for enjoying a day out where food wasn't the main object of the day (even if there were many food things throughout the day).  Then when I got off the bus by my apartment, I ran into some friends and I was embarrassed to be alone.  Why?  I have no idea - they know I'm a bit of a loner and I had the shopping bags to prove the awesomeness of my day.  But from then on I felt embarrassed that I couldn't find someone to spend the day with me, and I felt jaded and alone.  I came home to my roommate who looked like she hadn't left the apartment all day (I was gone for over 8 hours) and that was even more depressing.  It was like looking into a possible future where I was alone but had lost the drive to enjoy the benefits of living in this amazing place.

Right now, I couldn't help but wonder - am I in a relationship to cover up my loneliness?  So I have someone I can always go to if I need to get out of the apartment, or if I just want to watch TV all night but I don't want the image of being alone?  It doesn't help that I'm in a theatre department full of extroverts, so part of what I love about my relationship is that he's also an introvert, and understands the pleasures of a night in or even a night alone in my own space.  That said, I also love that he enjoys adventure time out in the city, discovering new places (something that's always just a little less fun alone).  But what's going to happen next year, when I'm coming home to new roommates who also happen to be my best friends?  I certainly won't ever feel alone, and I can tell it's going to be a year of feeling loved, feeling part of something.  When I'm living with my friends, my boyfriend will simultaneously be abroad.  I'm worried that I love my relationship now because it wards off the loneliness and is a source of comfort through a dark and all-too-long winter season.  I'm worried that if my friends are filling the void of loneliness, I won't need my relationship anymore.

Metabolism and Scheduling

I did a lot of reading tonight on metabolism.  In short, I'm nervous that my restricting on and off for the past two years has wrecked my metabolism a bit.  Because of this, sometimes when I do eat a normal amount I can definitely feel myself gaining the weight.  I've read that upon ceasing restriction it is normal, but that long-term increases and consistency will solve the problem.  However, it's hard right now to find that balance without going overboard, and then when I do then I turn back to restriction.

I guess it'll take longer than a week to recover, huh.

This has also been my first week eating without a schedule.  It's exhilarating and terrifying at the same time.  Pro: I only eat what I'm craving, so there's no change of already eating my "assigned" meal but still craving what I really want to eat.  Con: I've been thinking and planning meals more than I ever used to.  That being said, I've definitely been looking forward to my meals more than ever, not because my body is starving for calories but because I know they'll be tasty and filling.  Additional pro: I've found that I really get hungry for 4 meals a day rather than 3.  I have classes and events in the middle of the day, and sometimes I run in the late morning/early afternoon, so I have a large breakfast, two large snacks in the midday (one with more protein for post-workout), and dinner, plus dessert (sometimes with dinner, sometimes not.  Additional con: I have way too much food in my pantry because I'm trying to accomodate all the things I want to eat (I live with 3 other girls so we're a bit short on space.  Related pro: there's so much more variety in my pantry!  I'm not forced to eat a certain food because I only allowed myself to buy that for this week.  Con: I'm having trouble making myself get really hungry for big meals.  For example, I knew my friends and I were going out to a tasty deli for dinner and I wanted to arrive hungry, but I found myself restless and I definitely overdid it on the gum chewing (6 pieces? or was it 7??)  Last pro (because there should always be more pros than cons): I actually have been been buying way more produce than ever and I'm finding that I'm snacking on fruits and nuts all the time.  Turns out natural foods make me feel so good!  I can almost feel the produce glowing in my tummy.  Who knew eating nature could feel so good.

Hopefully the continued freedom will continue to inspire my healthy meals, and even help me eat more.  I've found that lately with this new pattern, I get truly hungry after 3 or 4 hours.  Even if I have a big meal (like my deli sandwich tonight), a snack 4 hours later (grapes and some dark chocolate) actually made me feel hungry again by bedtime (now).  It's scary, being on my own and not planning as much.  I feel so in danger of overdoing it every day.  But after I'm just the right amount full, I have this amazing feeling of energy.  Here's to the many meals to come.

Musings

I hate writing.  That's why it's been since August.  But I have a lot of thoughts and if I don't tell someone then I take them out on someone.  So I'm back.  And I won't apologize to myself for leaving and not coming back, because I'm coming back.

So the 100 days of Happy thing (in which I am not participating)?  Here's my issue with it.  It's just that - things.  A friend of mine posted her happy thing a few days ago: Girl Scout cookies.  I mean, I can just buy a box of girl scout cookies if it's that easy to be happy.  While I do believe that sometimes I purchase items that bring happiness into my life (a new cookbook, a comforter that might as well be a cloud, etc.), I think that for a gratitude exercise it might be a bit inappropriate to cite mostly objects as things of happy. Maybe it's fine for a certain percentage, but overall I think it defeats the purpose.

I saw happiness today at my 11pm church service, when about a half hour in there was a latecomer and while there were many empty seats, another member of the congregation moved over to make room for him.  It happened silently and anonymously and it brought a faint wetness to my eyes.  Finding the good in the world brings me happiness.  Buying the good in the world does not, no matter how much it may make me smile.

Another musing: while I still have far to go on my journey of self-discovery, I need to surround myself with people who already have an acute awareness of who they are.  As I move forward on my own path, I find myself easily frustrated by those who are behind.  This is not to say I judge them for it: I applaud anyone who even has the strength and the courage to begin the journey of knowing themselves.  However, the more prominent they become in my life, the more I become the advice-giver and the more I find myself unable to move forward in my own way.  And then I feel stunted myself from my own frustration - how can I be so shallow as to ignore the journeys of others only to further my own?  But I've always been one to voluntarily be the runt of the litter, to have adult mentors and friends, to be the youngest student in my social circle.  Being inspired helps me grow so much, and it is one of the few feelings that helps me truly glow.  But it's not that I don't appreciate the journeys of others - it's that I'm not mature enough yet myself to understand how helping them can be part of my journey too.