Nothing at all.
According to Dr. Dog, a band I saw at the 9:30 club last week (they weren't that great, actually, but it wasn't like I was a huge fan of their music anyway).
However, that lyric has hit me this weekend. Attitude itself is the only thing separating contentment and loneliness.
My boyfriend is out on a road trip with his friends this weekend, so I had the day to myself yesterday. I decided to plan myself an adventure day! I ate amazing food, did some shopping, spent way too much money, and wandered all over the city (I calculated - probably about 6 or 7 miles not counting museum walking). I felt like I belonged in DC, and I was proud of myself for enjoying a day out where food wasn't the main object of the day (even if there were many food things throughout the day). Then when I got off the bus by my apartment, I ran into some friends and I was embarrassed to be alone. Why? I have no idea - they know I'm a bit of a loner and I had the shopping bags to prove the awesomeness of my day. But from then on I felt embarrassed that I couldn't find someone to spend the day with me, and I felt jaded and alone. I came home to my roommate who looked like she hadn't left the apartment all day (I was gone for over 8 hours) and that was even more depressing. It was like looking into a possible future where I was alone but had lost the drive to enjoy the benefits of living in this amazing place.
Right now, I couldn't help but wonder - am I in a relationship to cover up my loneliness? So I have someone I can always go to if I need to get out of the apartment, or if I just want to watch TV all night but I don't want the image of being alone? It doesn't help that I'm in a theatre department full of extroverts, so part of what I love about my relationship is that he's also an introvert, and understands the pleasures of a night in or even a night alone in my own space. That said, I also love that he enjoys adventure time out in the city, discovering new places (something that's always just a little less fun alone). But what's going to happen next year, when I'm coming home to new roommates who also happen to be my best friends? I certainly won't ever feel alone, and I can tell it's going to be a year of feeling loved, feeling part of something. When I'm living with my friends, my boyfriend will simultaneously be abroad. I'm worried that I love my relationship now because it wards off the loneliness and is a source of comfort through a dark and all-too-long winter season. I'm worried that if my friends are filling the void of loneliness, I won't need my relationship anymore.
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